Apparently, I'm Strong. So Why Am I Depressed?

 

I have taken so many personality tests that apparently, every psychological framework, ancient civilization, and celestial body has already formed an opinion about me.

I am a Virgo.

Born in the Year of the Rat.

An ESTJ-A according to 16Personalities / MBTI.
A DI in DISC.
A Type 8 in the Enneagram.
Choleric-Sanguine in temperament.
And a Red-Blue personality.

Basically, iba't ibang test, iisa ang sagot: matapang, diretso, dominant, decisive, strong-willed, results-oriented, at hindi mahaba ang pasensya sa drama, excuses, at paulit-ulit na problemang ayaw namang solusyonan.

Consistent naman silang lahat. At least walang identity crisis. Parang nag-meeting sila at nagkasundo: "Oo, palaban talaga ito."

And yes, I recognize myself in those descriptions. I like getting things done. I like clarity. I value accountability. If there's a problem, let's talk about the problem. If you made a mistake, own it. If I made a mistake, tell me. If you disagree with me, say it. I would rather have an uncomfortable conversation than participate in a comfortable lie.

My default questions are usually: Ano ang problema? Bakit nangyari? Sino ang responsable? At ano ang gagawin natin tungkol dito? Hindi: Sino ang nagtampo? Sino ang nasaktan? At ilang araw muna tayong magpapakiramdaman bago natin pag-usapan ang totoong problema?

Sorry. Hindi talaga ako built that way. At sa edad kong ito, medyo malabo na ring magkaroon ng complete personality renovation.

Improvement, yes. Renovation, negotiable. Demolition, definitely no.

And perhaps this is important for people who have worked with me, lived with me, disagreed with me, been offended by me, or at some point felt that I had wronged them: I know I am not always easy. I can be intense. I can be impatient. I can be very direct. My standards can be high, and my tolerance for repeated excuses can be very, very low. I know that my words can hurt. I know that sometimes, my intention and my impact are not the same. And when I am genuinely wrong, I should be accountable for that.

But understanding myself also means knowing the difference between being wrong and simply being disliked because I refused to say what someone wanted to hear. Those are not the same thing, no matter how many sad emojis, cryptic Facebook posts, or dramatic background music we add to the story.

Hindi Lahat ng Nasaktan, Inapi

This may not be a popular thing to say, but not every person who feels hurt has necessarily been wronged. Sometimes, people are hurt because someone was cruel or unfair. Sometimes, they are hurt because another person genuinely failed them. And when that happens, the person who caused the harm should take responsibility.

But sometimes, people are hurt because they heard something true that they did not want to hear. Sometimes, a boundary feels like rejection. Accountability feels like an attack. A policy feels personal. A professional disagreement becomes a personal betrayal. And directness feels like cruelty simply because it wasn't wrapped in cotton, ribbon, bubble wrap, and a handwritten note saying, "Please don't take this personally."

I am learning to ask myself difficult questions: Was I unnecessarily harsh? Could I have communicated this better? Did I fail to consider someone's dignity? Did I actually do something wrong? Those are fair questions, and I should be willing to answer them honestly.

But I am not willing to automatically conclude that I was wrong simply because somebody cried, became angry, stopped talking to me, posted cryptic messages on social media, or decided that I was the kontrabida in their teleserye. 

Feelings are real. People are entitled to them. But feelings are not always facts, and someone's sensitivity does not automatically become my guilt.

Minsan, nasaktan ka dahil may nanakit sa'yo. Minsan naman, nasaktan ka dahil hindi mo nagustuhan ang narinig mo. Magkaiba 'yon.

At minsan, baka hindi naman talaga ako masama. Baka hindi lang talaga tayo compatible. Pwede rin naman iyon. Hindi lahat kailangang gawing morality play na may bida, kontrabida, at commercial break.

I Am Strong. And I Am Depressed.

Here's the part that doesn't seem to fit neatly with all those personality-test results: I also have Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD) and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).

Apparently, I am strong. And I am depressed. Both are true.

People often have a certain image of what depression looks like. They imagine someone crying all day, unable to get out of bed, or visibly falling apart. But sometimes, depression looks like someone who gets up, goes to work, leads an organization, makes decisions, solves other people's problems, travels, enjoys good food, laughs loudly, makes sarcastic jokes, and posts funny things online.

Sometimes, she is the CEO. Sometimes, she is the person everyone calls when something goes wrong. Sometimes, she is so good at functioning that people forget that functioning is not the same as being okay.

I can lead a meeting while feeling low. I can solve a complicated organizational problem while being unable to solve whatever is happening inside my own head. I can laugh and still be depressed. I can travel and still be depressed. I can enjoy my life and still have double depressive disorders. I can be genuinely happy in a moment without that happiness magically curing a clinical condition.

These things are not mutually exclusive.

And perhaps that's one of the hardest things for other people to understand. When you're strong, people assume you don't get tired. When you're funny, they assume you can't be sad. When you're productive, they assume you must be okay. When you're a leader, they assume you always know what to do.

Sometimes, I do. Sometimes, I really don't.

Unfortunately, Depression Does Not Follow Office Memos

My personality is naturally action-oriented. May problema? Ayusin. May mali? Itama. May conflict? Pag-usapan. May inefficiency? Baguhin. May hindi gumagana? Humanap ng mas magandang paraan. 

Simple. 

Unfortunately, depression does not respond well to management directives. You cannot issue a memo saying, "Effective immediately, all depressive thoughts are hereby discontinued. Strict compliance is expected." You cannot put your emotions on a performance improvement plan or tell yourself, "Deadline ng healing: Friday, 5:00 PM. No extension."

Believe me, as an ESTJ Type 8, I would have preferred this arrangement. May memo, may guidelines, may deadline, may person responsible, may monitoring matrix. Perfect.

But there are things you cannot organize, schedule, confront, or outwork into submission. And that's difficult for someone like me because I know how to fight. I know how to decide. I know how to take control. I am less comfortable with things that cannot be fixed simply by doing something. 

Perhaps this is also why I become frustrated with situations where I feel powerless, especially when people refuse to take responsibility for things that could actually be changed. I can accept mistakes. I can work with problems. I can understand failure. What is much harder for me is watching people spend more energy explaining why something is not their responsibility than actually trying to make things better.

Maybe "Nakakainis" Is Easier Than "Nasaktan Ako"

This is probably one of the harder things for me to admit: sometimes, anger is easier than hurt. "Nakakainis siya" is easier than "Nasaktan niya ako." "Wala akong pakialam" is easier than "I cared, and I was disappointed." And "Bahala ka sa buhay mo" is sometimes easier than admitting, "I tried to understand you so many times that I no longer have the energy to keep trying."

Perhaps some people have only seen the anger without knowing what came before it. They saw the confrontation but not the repeated chances. They saw the boundary but not how many times it had already been crossed. They saw me stop caring but not how long I cared before I got there. They saw the final reaction and built an entire story around it without bothering to ask about the hundred things that happened before.

Does that automatically make me right? No. But neither does their hurt automatically make me wrong. And I think that distinction matters.

Maybe I should have been gentler. Maybe I should have chosen better words. Maybe I should have waited before reacting. I can accept those possibilities.

But maybe, sometimes, the other person should also have listened better, thought more deeply, asked questions instead of making assumptions, and considered the possibility that not everything was about them.

I Don't Want to Use My Personality as an Excuse

I don't believe in saying, "Ganito talaga ako. ESTJ kasi ako. Type 8 kasi ako. Deal with it." That's not self-awareness. That's using a personality test as a permission slip to behave badly.

If I am cruel, I should own it. If I am unfair, I should correct it. If I hurt someone unnecessarily, I should examine that. If my leadership creates fear that prevents good people from speaking honestly, that's something I need to know and address.

I am not exempt from accountability simple because I am strong-willed. I don't get a free pass because a personality test says I am naturally direct. And being CEO certainly doesn't mean I am automatically right.

But growth does not mean becoming so afraid of offending people that I stop being myself.

I will not pretend incompetence is competence to protect someone's feelings. I will not call dishonesty a misunderstanding just because the truth is uncomfortable. I will not lower every standard because accountability makes someone feel attacked. I will not endlessly adjust to people who make no effort to adjust themselves. And I will not bend over backward simply to prove that I am a good person to someone who has already decided that I am not.

At some point, understanding must be mutual. Adjustment must be mutual. Self-reflection must be mutual.

Hindi pwedeng ako ang laging mag-a-adjust dahil ako ang mas malakas, mas direct, mas matapang, o mas kayang umintindi. Hindi porke kaya kong buhatin, ibig sabihin ako na lang palagi ang bubuhat.

That is not growth. That is self-erasure.

You May Have Been Hurt by Me

Maybe you're reading this and thinking of something I said or did. Maybe you worked with me. Maybe we disagreed. Maybe I made a decision you hated. Maybe I confronted you. Maybe you felt judged, dismissed, intimidated, or misunderstood by me.

I won't tell you that your feelings aren't real. But I also won't automatically tell you that your version of me is the complete truth.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you misunderstood me. Maybe I communicated badly. May be you were being too sensitive. Maybe I lacked empathy. Maybe you lacked perspective. Maybe we were both wrong. Maybe neither of us had the emotional capacity at the time to understand the other.

Human relationships are complicated that way. Walang kodigo on how to manage relationships.

What I can say is this: I am willing to examine myself, but I am not willing to erase myself. There is a difference between accountability and self-betrayal. I wan to be better, but I don't want to become smaller simply to make myself easier for everyone else to handle.

And perhaps some people will still read this and think, "Ayan na naman siya. Nagdadahilan."

That's okay.

Self-awareness is not the same as making excuses. Explaining yourself is not the same as absolving yourself. Understanding why you behave a certain way does not mean denying responsibility for the consequences.

But neither should accountability require me to accept every accusation as truth, every hurt feeling as evidence of wrongdoing, or every misunderstanding as my personal failure.

I can own what is mine without carrying what isn't.

The Strong Person Gets Tired, Too

Every personality test seems to look at me and say, "This woman is ready for battle." ESTJ. Type 8. DI. Choleric. Red. Okay na. Gets ko na. Palaban ako.

But armor is heavy.

Being capable does not mean I don't get exhausted. Being decisive does not mean I never feel lost. Being independent does not mean I never need anyone. Being funny does not mean I am never sad. Being strong does not make me immune to depression, and being depressed does not erase my strength.

I can be the person who tells everyone, "Kaya natin 'to," and still have days when I quietly wonder whether I can. I can protect people and still need protection. I can lead and still feel lost. I can be grateful and still be depressed. I can be strong and tired, assertive and vulnerable, successful and struggling, happy today and depressed in ways that are much more complicated than a single day's happiness can explain.

And maybe this is something I am still learning myself: strength is not the absence of struggle. Sometimes, strength is simply continuing to show up while carrying something other people cannot see.

Human beings are allowed to contain contradictions.

So, Who Am I Really?

I am still and ESTJ-A. Still a Type 8. Still DI. Still Choleric-Sanguine. Still Red and Blue. Still a Virgo and a Rat--because apparently even the stars and ancient China needed to weigh in on my personality.

I am still direct, still decisive, still impatient with excuses, and still willing to fight when something--or someone--is worth fighting for. I am still learning, still making mistakes, still capable of hurting people, and still capable of being hurt. I am responsible for examining my own behavior, but I am not responsible for carrying every interpretation, every projection, every misunderstanding, and every emotional reaction that other people attach to me.

I am not always right. I know that. I have made mistakes. I will make more. I have hurt people, sometimes knowingly, sometimes unintentionally, and sometimes simply because doing what I believed was necessary meant disappointing someone.

But I am also not automatically wrong just because someone feels hurt.

I don't expect everyone to like me. Frankly, that would be suspicious. I don't need everyone to agree with me. I don't need to be everyone's favorite person, favorite boss, favorite friend, or favorite character in their personal teleserye.

But I hope that those who genuinely want to understand me will understand this: I am strong. I am depressed. I am imperfect. I am intense. I am accountable for my actions, but I will not apologize for my existence.

I will listen when someone tells me I was wrong. I will examine myself. I will apologize when an apology is warranted. I will try to communicate better, lead better, and become better. 

But I will not confuse growth with making myself smaller. I will not accept blame simply because someone needs a villain. And I will not spend my life explaining myself to people committed to misunderstanding me.

Perhaps the most honest thing I can say is this: I am willing to grow, but I am not willing to disappear.

'Yun na! Pak!